Fe

.:July 14th, 2010, 10:07 am:.

I see pelo and scalp

pushing through labia.

Voices scattered : Encouragement y instruction.

" Here comes another one hun- ready- Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push!"

"Come on hun, you got it!"

"He's right there!"

Todo : Slow motion.

More voices as womb opens.

" Oh, my god!"

Numb, yo soy

Out comes a head.

Twisting.

A fist.

Spiraling out : Como Mixcoatl.

Ojos big and wide.

My heart fills.

Tears swell

a dam of emotions,

BURSTS

My eyes : Un rio.

I see him,

mi ijo!

Voices fade out.

As my heart drops.

"Oh, my god Licia, you did it!"

I'm in Love......

Just like that the universe welcomed him, my son, our son. As lavender as Night Time Johnson and Johnson lotion. Amor begot an evolution en mi alma. Espiritu spinning above mi cuerpo. Claro : El Pensamiento. A new father floating amongst flores. Then came the fear. Me and my lady knew there would be complications to some degree. We held him for a moment before they took him through the halls of the University Medical Center. I followed him all the way to the new born intensive care unit. There was a hot rain outside. Could we stand the heat?

.:February 2010:.

Sonogram appointments are critical to us. We've had two miscarriages in a year already. I do the math in my head; Bubi (my lady) has been pregnant a whole year, damn. Un ano deficil. Sadness in the loss of children that never reached fruition. Me drowning in alcohol, consoling myself with cocaine. The fighting and the make ups. Triumphs and break ups. Abuse :Emotional. Healing : Spiritual. Dark moments remembered, still livin in the embers.

Now she lays on the table. Cold Jelly hits her belly. She winces. While technology speaks in a numbing hum. Sonographer searches for life. A few clicks on the machine and a button pressed: BUM BUMP BUM BUMP BUM BUMP BUM BUMP! Corazon como drum, bro. A deep breath, Life in her womb, Bubi, smiles. "How does he look?", she says..... Our moment of happiness is short compared to those moments of sorrow...

After our appointment, we pull up to our casita. My dads in our drive way.
I haven't seen him in weeks. he's heard the news. " You know; these doctors are wrong all the time, man," he tells us, " You guys are gonna be alright, hes gonna be alright." my dad doesn't need to be around me all the time to see the hurt inside me. " Whatever happens don't think that no ones gonna love this baby, every ones gonna love this baby.", he said. I hear him, he may not think so, but I do. He gives us hugs and leaves us to our worry party.

As we lie in our bed; for a moment we feel that we've lost again. Bubi's tears drip slowly. She blames herself ; I feel it. As we discuss the options we have been given, by Dr. P..

Dr. P.,

short and chubby

pulls latex gloves

over bulky

gold rings.

Cold and to the point.

Hes colder when,

he trys to be warmer.

Dr P.- Due to the abnormalities we found in your baby. we wanted to provide you this consultation. So you can make a well informed decision. Now to be clear, the abnormalities we are speaking of, are: the cleft lip, possible cleft palate, thee abnormal distance between the eyes and of course the enlarged ventricles in the brain. Now, essentially there are three ways of dealing with this. One, we can terminate the pregnancy, now if we are deciding to go in this direction, we have legal guidelines in Arizona, in terms of weeks; to terminate a fetus. Now this varies among different doctors; some do not go beyond 20 weeks. however I wouldn't want to rush you. But in the state of Arizona we have up until twenty-two weeks. I have a partner in Phoenix whom I work with regularly and he goes right up to the twenty-four week mark. Now if we go beyond this date, and you decide to terminate, I have a friend in California who can legally perform this procedure at twenty-six weeks. That's one. Secondly you could give it up for adoption. There are people out there willing to take babies with abnormalities and disabilities, they do a great job, god bless'em. That's another option... Or you can keep the child. Again I don't want to rush you, take as much time as you need, just keep in mind if we do go with the first option, we do have certain time restraints.........

Tied together, not just literally, in each others arms, but for hating ourselves for lacking faith; en la vida, inside her. It hurt to even consider deleting life away, as if it were a word, to painful for publication. We considered it. We didn't want him to have a life he couldn't take control of. We didn't want him to be born just to die. We didn't want. we didn't want. We didn't want. But his heart. His heart beat, spoke his first words. El cora de mi ijo, dicen, "Que si, apa! Que si, mama! Si quera este Vida!". I want the struggle : I want the joy. I want to laugh : I want to cry. OK, papacito, OK. Momma loves you : Daddy loves you. We can't wait to meet you, papa....

.:Presente:.

Typing : Como much love. Holding back tears, its one in the morning, in the newborn intensive care unit of Phoenix Children's Hospital. My son sleeps peacefully : Recovering from his third surgery. He is a healthy, intelligent baby boy, with ganas by the pound. Me and Bubi are so proud of him. He truly is, Cehuaylo (covered in prayers), from family, friends, strangers, churches and homeboys with faith in the smoke, a thought on a rosary bead. Every day he opens his eyes and he crys, I'm so thankful for that. And amazed that just days after being born a human being can become a hero to so many. In Nochtin No Mekayotzin. To All My Relations. Tlazo.